The Queen's Kingdom
by Tabi
Summary: Tira-centric. Tira thinks over her somewhat frightening inner thoughts towards Carrot.


~ The Queen's Kingdom ~

Sometimes people just need to be ruled over. A kingdom needs a monarch, doesn't it? The one in my mind is ruled by a Queen, and I am that Queen. Energetically and effortlessly I'd put my all into ruling, and my subjects - my _singular_ subject - would learn to fear me and love me beneath the crack of my whip. Fear is powerful, isn't it? Obey me and do not dare to disobey me through fear of my whip! Learn to love the pain I give you, and the welts and marks I brand on your skin. These things say '_I love you_' and '_You are mine_', and in time you would realise your monarch and worship her as you love yourself. More than that. Call me Queen and I would be your Queen; I need no King beside me, but I need you underneath my pointed heel!

I think that... if you even looked at me kindly, I'd be happy. I mean, when you _do_, it makes me happy... and... maybe I wonder if you'd look at me more, look at me _specially_, look at me tenderly... and you'd say my name, '_Tira..._', and then something that's too wonderful to even imagine... but still I imagine the things that you might say, even if sometimes I worry that you might never say them... wonderful things that warm my heart, then chill me when that worry sets in. I... I want to hear you say things, just simple things. Things like '_I like you_', perhaps even things like '_I love you_'... anything is alright if it's from you, if it's some kind of kindness, some kind of tenderness, some kind of... my mind goes along the lines of 'some kind of sign that you notice me', but that... is it that I want you to acknowledge my feelings or just that I exist at all?

Sometimes I wonder about that, and I wonder about you. You don't... you're not... I'm not the kind of girl you really notice, am I? I can't speak my feelings easily, I don't flout myself all over the place like my sister does... it's a slight happiness that you don't even react to her, but every time she throws herself at you and proclaims how much she loves you, it... it frightens me, just a little bit. I don't want her saying things like that! I don't want her to be the one hugging you, to be saying shameless things to you, anything like that...! I... I don't want to be the one being like that either, but I want... I want at least to be able to _say_ things... to _do_ things... even if those things aren't sexy and shameless, I... if we could even just spend time together... you would make me happy... and... I could hope that... perhaps... I could make you happy too...?

A beloved Queen is the treasure of her kingdom, isn't she? Women described as jewels in the crowns of the ruling countries... the King is a power but what is power if it has no beauty behind it? People could detest a King but with a beautiful Queen they can only respect him and love her, for what kind of man is he to have attracted such a beauty? Or perhaps she is a beauty with wiles inside her, and she is the ruling power... the King is her mask and the kingdom is hers.

I long for a kingdom. I long for the kingdom of your flesh and the rule of your emotion - I want you to say you love only me and _mean_ it...! I want to be able to love you and have you agree, I want to hurt you and have you plead for more... then you'd beg for the pain and love what I gave you because it was something that _I_ gave you and the pain would turn to pleasure even as I gave it!

Is it... okay, like that? I scare myself sometimes. I see you after battle all covered in lashmarks and bleeding and... you just groan that it hurts and then either me or Marron-chan'll heal you, but... it's... sometimes you do seem really badly beaten up, is it really alright like that? My sister and I... even if it's us combined, we... we still hurt you...

Sometimes I worry that it's not okay. That one day after a battle you'll turn around and snap that you can't take it anymore and that you'll go off to find people who won't whip you and beat you and hurt you so much... sometimes I think of something like that and it worries me so much that sometimes I get a little tearful, but then on the other hand I absolutely wouldn't blame you if you _did_ decide to do something like that... if someone kept hurting me as much as I hurt you, I-...

Carrot, you don't even _notice_ when the things you do hurt me, do you?

So I would be the beautiful beautiful Queen and you would _know_ that. Worship me, kneel at my feet, lick my boots and praise me for the privilege! Look upon me and want no other. From tip to toe you would desire me and do my every bidding, I would order you to love me and you'd do so unquestioningly. Love me deep into the night, love me harder, love me _faster_, show me your gratitude for the physical in the most shameless way possible. I would always dominate you and even - _especially_ - that part of you would be mine... you'd offer it willingly and I'd take you gladly.

A Queen has to know her land, does she not? Walk the roads, know the villages, meet the people and learn all the little things. Tracing a pathway up your spine and working a reaction from your throat, my fingernails pressing to your flesh to leave a mark to join the others. Your skin would be dappled with proof that I owned you, entirely and completely. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Don't you want that?

I... I don't know what I can do. I can't get your attention like how all those other girls do, I can't be as outgoing as oneesama, I-... sometimes I'm even jealous of Marron-chan and I feel so terrible for that, he doesn't deserve anything like that...! Sometimes it's hard to even look at him, he can be close to you so easily and he can be free with his protective emotions because he's your brother and that's just how he _is_...

He shares a room with you, Carrot! What kind of things do you do in that bedroom? Do you stay up and talk through the night? Sometimes me and oneesama do that... we don't talk about anything interesting, not really, but... it passes the time and I enjoy it, I like to talk to her. Do you like to talk to Marron-chan? He's always such a quiet person, I can't imagine him being a talkative person...

From the kind of position he's in... I wish I could borrow his body just for a day so I could see things through his eyes! I could sit in a corner of his mind and listen to him talk you and just be content to listen to the things you talk about, watch as you get undressed... maybe even see you in the bath or shower? I mean, oneesama doesn't mind if I see her naked, I don't have anything against her being naked apart from when she's all over you... I think Marron-chan would be a little bit shy, but don't you sometimes sit around in just a towel?

Do you know how much I wish I had the freedom and courage to find out for myself?

There'd be no inhibitions, would there? Of course, you'd have to work for your reward, wouldn't you... as a command I would have you naked, perhaps even chained in my bedroom! Ah, for my amusement and yes, I'd be amused. Would you try to wriggle away, just a little bit? Earn my anger before you earn your pleasure... would you want to tease me like that, do things purposefully so that I'd be angry, so that I'd whip you? Silly boy, I'd see directly through you. There are more ways to hurt than physically and so many more tricks that a woman keeps up her tight sleeve... I can tease you without touching you and make you desperate. I could do what I pleased and I could leave the room if I wanted to, especially if you didn't... there are many places I could go and only one of them would be where I kept you. Chained there, I know you'd wait for me.

In my mind, there's no question about it...!

Unquestionably you'd wait for me and you'd worship me without end. After all, I bestow my favours onto you under my own free will, I don't _have_ to have _you_! Out of all the men out there, only you would be my territory, only you would be my kingdom. Does that please you? It pleases me. It doesn't _have_ to be you, but it is. Aren't you lucky?

Carrot, I... every day, it's a day longer. Another day where I wonder... might anything happen? Might today be the day I say something, the day where something happens, anything like that...? To be fair some days some things _do_ happen, a mistaken kiss or a look or a little touch or _something_... even a nice conversation can be enough to set me off into a good state of mind for the rest of the day, sometimes. If it's you who encourages me, I feel I can do anything... sometimes I touch my lips and think, just occasionally, these lips _have_ met yours. We _have_ kissed. Not purposefully, not deeply, not in the way that I dream, but... even if it's just a shadow of what I dream about it's still just a hint of the warmth and the contact and the knowledge that just for a moment you _have_ been on my lips... and I... I have been on yours...

Do you... do you ever think things like this? Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror, touch yourself where I have touched you even if it's only on the shoulder or arm, imagine you can still feel the warmth and somehow _still_ be warmed by it? Even when the physical warmth is gone, the thought of it... just thinking of a touch warms me...

Do I warm you at all?

Even in the slightest?

Even if I unlocked your chains, you'd still stay, wouldn't you? No, you'd never want to escape from your wonderful Queen. Who would dare question her loyal subject?

Does oneesama ever feel this?

Even as I lie in bed, it's _there_... I feel it... the things I think to myself, the selfish terrible things... Carrot, there are two types of person and both of them are inside me. I can't-... when it's quiet, when I'm just thinking to myself, when it's a time like this - it's difficult for me to even think about it like that. Then I hear another part of myself talk on how I want you for my own... and I _do_ want you for my own, but I do I want you so completely as I would suggest to myself?

There's no point in having you if it's not completely. Would I take on another slave? Do you see any other people I would devote myself to? Because yes, I _would_ devote myself to you. Perhaps in a way you would have to adapt to, but-

You understand, don't you? You understand that... I... I do the things that I do... you _know_ why I do them, don't you?

I would mindlessly punish you.

It's too much.

You will love my punishment!

Surely nobody can enjoy pain...

Chained and bound or knelt at my feet, you would always take the place beside me!

If you decided that this really wasn't alright... if you _did_ run away... if you did leave us, if you left _me_...

Can I admit that I need you?

Inside, I am still only one person...

Both sides of me, it's still _me_, Carrot!

Can you accept that... when even I sometimes find it hard to understand...?

~_fin_~

18th December 2004


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